Global warming leads to decline in Luton population

The latest official statistics have shown that Luton's population has decreased by 15% in just one week. Moderate think-tanks have suggested that this is related to the town's social and economic decline, but Transport 1650 can exclusively reveal that it is in fact due to the recent increase in temperatures brought about by global warming. The typical house design in Luton feels the heat more than the UK's average, and as car use has lead to temperatures rising by a huge 25 degrees C over the past 6 months, living in Luton has become unbearable.

"This mass exodus has caused a huge modal shift away from rail, and onto air and car," said Steve from T1650. "The M1 is now carrying upwards of 300,000 cars in the morning peak, 500 times more than were travelling down the A5 and A6 (the roads it bypassed) when the motorway opened. Rail usage from Luton station has dropped by 10% (or 500 travellers) since last week (July 12th). One can only think that these people are now killing countless bunny rabbits as they speed along country roads with no regard for the grass on the verge as they rocket noisily past it."

The latest figures also show that more and more people are using Luton Airport - figures rose dramatically on July 19th with many more families than usual choosing to cause the massacre of baby seals by taking to the skies. The airline industry have suggested that this related to the start of the school holidays; however, this cannot be the case since more and more people are following our fantastic holiday advice.

Transport 1650 put the blame for this multitude of problems squarely on the government's failure to lower our national CO2 emissions to zero. We have also repeatedly stated that the government is not putting enough money into the railways. An increase could be easily funded by charging £100 per litre of petrol and diverting funding from the NHS, which we wouldn't need if we didn't have cars since no one would get hurt or sick.